Casting a sentimental eye over his long career at the California Institution for Men, prison warden Kenneth Luger, 65, told reporters Thursday he will always remember the three generations of the Mowa …
Meteorologists say the blizzard pummeling the Midwest is expected to devastate Illinois resident Kevin Hodges given everything he's been going through lately.
For Breaking News: http://www.the …
For A Brand New Episode Of Today Now: http://onion.com/11omwpj
Jim and Tracy meet the incredible ballet prodigy who choreographed an entire desperate plea for her father's attention all on her …
The Divine Creator of All Things addressed a throng of dedicated fans on his troubled working relationship with the former Pope.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Subscribe to The Oni …
Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood is being proactive in the face of his department's potential budget cuts by scouring the country for road signs, traffic lights, and other unattended resources …
Seeking to revitalize his musical operations following years of declining revenue and mounting production costs, musician Bob Dylan laid off 2,000 workers from his flagship songwriting factory in Musc …
Stars and fans pay their respects as the corpses of celebrities we lost in 2012 are carried into the Dolby Theater for the Oscars.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Subscribe to The O …
An area man panics after accidentally 'liking' 381 of his ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos, Bob Dylan lays off 2,000 workers from a songwriting factory, and a group of cardinals host a g …
New photos show that the aging heartthrob has transitioned gracefully into a handsome mass of fabric and ornate bangles.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Subscribe to The Onion on Y …
The red carpet has never been hotter! Our fashion experts pick out their favorite looks, including Ben Affleck wrapped in a stylish George Clooney.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
S …
As he browsed the social networking site Facebook last night, local man Aaron Neutzling, 24, reportedly panicked after realizing that in the course of the evening he had somehow "liked" near …
To shore up support among female voters, the GOP has introduced a bill banning "putting angry hands to lady necks" and "hurting pretty ladies with mean sex."
For Breaking News: h …
Following a cyber attack to the fast-food chain's Twitter account, the thousands of people who had chosen to follow Burger King were left without access to important information about the restaur …
Downtrodden-looking Chinese huqin players are packing the auditioning room as the judges close out the final day of the first round of America's Best!
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com …
We invested $150,000 in this test sponsorship. We hope that you like it, 7UP TEN! Our producers tell us that our jobs depend on it!
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Subscribe to The …
A disturbing new study reveals that women's prisons are not the hotbeds of sexy discipline and kittenish exploration they should be.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Subscribe t …
Expressing both joy and astonishment, 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds confirmed Wednesday that a recent rendezvous with a prostitute had left him completely and utterly satisfied on an emotional …
Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday with an unexpected threat, workplace sources confi …
Though presiding over a country hampered by war, an economic recession, dramatic cultural upheaval, and a partisan divide at the highest levels of government, the man responsible for shielding America …
A new pair of Sony nosebuds lets users blast different smells into their nostrils, a devoted abuser stops by his girlfriend's office to deliver a surprise threat, and a man never expected sex wit …
Hailing the product as a revolution in smelling technology, Sony released its sleek new line of nose buds Monday, which will allow consumers to blast a variety of scents directly into their nostrils w …
The unstoppable mega-hit "Smooth" by Santana featuring Rob Thomas continued its unstoppable Grammy streak, picking up awards in every major category.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion …
It's a tale of two singers: the awful Brian and the transcendent Amelia. Brian can't mask his terrible singing voice while Amelia's gift of song blows the judges away.
For Breaking …
Congressman Henry Crawford's quietly stunning laws may not appeal to everyone, but are leaving fans of art-house legislation enraptured.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Subscri …
A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's weird like that sometimes, and a doomed rabbit teaches …
Our state-of-the-art entertainment reporter talks to director Roman Coppola and star Jason Schwartzman of A Glimpse Inside The Mind Of Charles Swan III.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/vi …
Emphasizing the importance of protecting the nation's global image, marketers at the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton Strategies, Inc. reportedly met with White House officials on Monday …
A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration stated that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace amounts of rat feces, but that, hey, life can be weird l …
The hit series from The Onion's Family Channel explores the joys and sorrows of America's favorite teachers.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Subscribe to The Onion on YouT …
Riot police have been dispatched to quell an enthusiastic Ray Lewis after his team's stunning Super Bowl win.
For Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: …
