We waste so much water by flushing inside. Why not flush outside and help grow your trees and plants while fertilizing them at the same time? Warning: This is guaranteed to attract tigers.
The top suggestion last month was "Take Worley's Suggestions Seriously, Much to His Detriment," right after "Get a New Toaster Oven For the Break Room." If Worley bothered to …
Model homegrown weed, on the other hand, offers a smooth sterile buzz, but you won't grow up to be traumatized and make great art because of it.
Rousselet should have seen this one coming. His salsa instructor was a bottle of Pace Picante.
Download the latest New Politics single "Harlem" on iTunes http://smarturl.it/npharlem
C …
It's Haiku Week, guys.
Some may find it obnoxious
We kinda had fun.
Becky Sanders went on to prove them all wrong. She not only raised her baby, she got a job at a Fortune 500 company, worked her ass off for recognition and respect, and got promoted to a six-figure-a- …
Her super baby wound up shooting laser beams out of its hands, decapitating the doctors cleanly and painlessly. When she told her baby that was overcompensating, he turned to her and said, "The w …
Their rivalry was born out of a severe self-hatred and a particularly masochistic therapist.
Well, it's better than the Mel Gibson version, don't you agree? No seriously, you have to agree now. Starring Peter Stormare!
If you have to ask, don't. If you don't have to ask, go away.
Can't poke holes in an IUD. Unless you're a crafty one.
A booty-dexterous bass player takes steroids until he becomes a she, for only women are eligible in the blanket fort building competition at the world's largest rodeo in Austin, TX.
Scrimp Bramble, the town asshole, was scared to die but even more scared to be called a fake cowboy, and boy did the crowd love every shriek of terror as the hooves pounded his lying face into dust. S …
Yes. Yes, boys. He came. He came into her fort. Her fort. That's what he did. He came into her fort. And they played fort games. And then he left. And you know what? He felt glad he could just ha …
In high school, while still a boy, he was voted Most Likely To Identify As A Woman Yet Totally Still Be Into Boobs, so the fact that this happened should not be surprising her friend at all. However, …
Raised by a fearsome father named Fo-to in the "Sha-hp" Clan, the young beast learned to stalk his unsuspecting prey by setting "keyframes" in his mind to create a "path" …
Bustin' out a sweet 'sault is easy when you follow three simple steps. Not these steps, or this location, or in the presence of a cat in a harness, but I'm pretty sure there are three s …
He seemed so innocent when she got him at the pound. Little did she know he was raised by whores. Nice whores, mind you, just whores who wound up not being able to have a cat stay with them at the who …
Their love was hot, contagious, and took place in a zone of sorts, not unlike the Ebola Zaire-themed novel "The Hot Zone."
They're cool about fire safety. They recycle, reduce, reuse, and close the loop. But when it comes to having fun and being safe, elbow pads continue to elude the gang.
Flexing is a rite of passage amongst young, hyper-jacked buffbros. But what happens when the babe flexes back? Few buffbros are able to deal or answer the question. Whether they can handle it or not i …
A command performance at Carnegie Hall took place one week later. Four people died.
Follow twitter.com/5sf for up-to-date info on our SxSW pub crawl! If you're in Austin, join us for the boozy fun as we stumble from watering hole to watering hole, getting progressively rowdier a …
The pope was arrested for a DUI, but the boogey in his nose was discovered to looked like Jesus so he sold it as a work of art, only to squander his money on beer.
The beers don't wear condoms and God knows what goes on in those mini-fridges. It's truly inadvisable to sleep with them, or even rub them on your genitals. Consult five doctors before and a …
Throughout time, billionaires the world over have killed starving artists in the name of keeping things unnecessarily expensive. Today however, things have changed, and paintings from dead artists sti …
The other boogies never quite recovered from that harrowing incident, watching their fellow boogies fall to their horrifying death. Years later, still struggling with the memories of that loss, tho …
In the interests of fairness, he selects cars with men in them too – but he's not as lenient with dudes who wind up blowing over a .15. Then they wind up blowing something else. This is all …
Join the gang at The Hideout bar as they complain about Disneyland and all your comments!
Actually, you'd be surprised how few letters to God get opened or passed onward by the Pope. It's mostly a whole office floor of interns reading them, doing a logline for each letter, and se …
