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I know a puppet therapist in Texas who gives terrible advice about shitting in your hands to get a dates. Don't go to him.
There's a specific spot on the board just for these sorts of disputes: "Will you two quit pussyfooting and just get down to boot-knockin' already, it's making me nauseous watchi …
Once you master the secret handshake and defeat the evil temptress from the friend zone you will finally build the big drip you need to screw turtles all night and write about it in your diary.
Actually, the "garbage disposal flush" holds up in some divorce courts, but only if the television audience whoops and hollers loudly enough to grant you your freedom.