If it's been a while since you've seen Total Recall, or if you're too young to have been seeing R-rated movies in 1990 and never caught up, here's irrefutable GIF proof that no remake can top Paul Verhoeven's Schwarzenegger-iffic original movie.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Kicks Ass In It
Obviously. He does that in every movie, and it never gets old.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Doesn't Know Who He Is
That way he doesn't have to be articulate, he just needs to ass-kick his way to the truth. This is exactly how Arnold Schwarzenegger should be used in every movie.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Tries To Tell Himself Who He Is
What's better than one Arnold? A second Arnold, giving instructions to the first one.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Makes A Hologram Of Himself
What's better than two Arnolds? A third, holograpic version of Arnold, for use in late-movie fight scenes.
That Time Arnold Schwarzenegger Pulls The Bug Out Of His Brain
It's so crazy, only Arnold #2 could convince Arnold #1 to do it.
That Time Arnold Schwarzenegger Pulls His Head Out From The Fat Lady Disguise
Whoever was in charge of fake Arnold Schwarzenegger head special effects was working their ass
off, and pulling it off with the effects technology of twenty-two years ago.
Sharon Stone Is Hot/Crazy In It
And then two years later, Paul Verhoeven was all, "Sharon, I've got this movie called Basic Instinct
that I think you'd be great in, because I remember working with you on our unbeatable 1990 version of Total Recall
Rachel Ticotin Is In It, Which Is Why You Know Her Name
Unless you're a big enough Con Air
fan to pick out her prison guard role. Either way, good luck kicking as much ass in the Melina role, Jessica Biel.
The Three-Boobs Girl Is In It, When It Was An Original Idea
Yes yes, the new Total Recall
promises a three-boobs girl of its own. But that really just means they're recycling old ideas. In 1990, a three-boobs girl was cutting edge
weird sci-fi sexuality. You kids wouldn't understand.
Kuato Popping Out Of That Guy's Chest, When It Was An Original Idea
The reveal that Kuato is a freaky chest-baby is more memorable and distinctive than cinema's first-ever three-boobs girl, which is saying something.