Here's Why Mitt Romney's Best Possible VP Pick Is Mitt Romney

By Alex Schmidt on July 16, 2012

Rumors continue to swirl about who Mitt Romney will choose as his running mate, but here's all the reasons why the ideal Republican running mate is already the Republican top banana.

A tall white guy who's still lookin' unthreateningly good in his mid-60s, Mitt's got exactly the kind of face you want in the background for photo ops, foreign state funerals, and all those other "important" Vice Presidential functions. Mitt as a Presidential candidate? Barely squeaks through the GOP primaries against people like Rick Santorum. But Mitt as a Vice Presidential candidate? He wins you Utah, he makes you competitive in Massachusetts (as a Republican), and you know he's got that Mormon vote on lock. What's Mitt good at? Raising cash. What's distracting him from his cash-raising work? All the other things that go into running for the Presidency. That man should be riding shotgun so he can glandhand the wealthy constantly. Presidential candidates aspire to be as statesman-like as George Washington, but Vice Presidents just need to not get implicated for bribery (Schuyler Colfax), convicted of tax evasion (Spiro Agnew), or tried for treason (Aaron Burr). So a VP pick can have some iPhone app flubs and awkward Baha Men references, and it all just comes off as adorable. As a Vice Presidential pick, Mitt can jujitsu his blandness into a strength. He becomes the less-attractive friend who makes potential President [stock Republican] seem hotter by comparison, at the sleazy bar that is America, on the wild Saturday night that is a Tuesday Election Day…basically, Mitt can get a GOP Presidential candidate metaphorically laid.

Romney as Presidential candidate: "Yes I came up with the blueprint for Obamacare, and yes it's logically bizarre that I'm running on a platform of repealing it."

Romney as Vice Presidential candidate: "Yes I came up with the blueprint for Obamacare, so I'm just the guy to advise President Republi-Pants on dismantling it and replacing it with something better."

You can Etch-A-Sketch him from East Coast liberal governor to archconservative Republican national candidate and back again. So Mitt pairs well with any GOP Presidential candidate, like they're various dinner entrées and he's some kind of "hyper-wine". That's the Vice Presidency of Olympics! What more do you want, Mitt? Your perfect #2 is you!