10 Insane Self-Published Books
By Dan Abromowitz on March 28, 2012
What If You Are A Horse In Human Form? by Jason The Horse
This is the indispensable handbook for horses in human form, which are totally a thing, apparently. It lists all the signs that one may be a horse in human form, including "an ineffable but powerful knowing that one is a horse" and "having strange combinations of medical conditions that, taken as a whole, point to one's being a horse" (hoof trouble?). And "Jason the Horse" manages to work some ethnic stereotyping ("The Clydesdale's brisk and lively temperament is similar to that of the Scottish") into the information, suggesting that even horses can be dicks.
How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? by Hiroyuki Nishigaki
Malarkey? You might think so, and with good cause. There is no reason on earth to believe that constricting one's anus any number of times per day could pull a man from the precipice of despair. And yet Hiroyuki Nishigaki "[has] known a 70 year old man who has practiced it for 20 years," who is "full of vigor, happiness, and joy." It's his sole evidence for anal constriction as a depression cure, and from there Nishigaki compiled this entire book of his heartbreakingly earnest posts on depression messageboards, along with the baffled responses his missives receive, which can more or less be summed up as, "Malarkey!"
BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! by Ms. Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson
With a title so explosively extravagant its all-caps subtitle has an all-caps subtitle ("MANY FALSE CHRIST MARRIAGES ARE LIVING ON BIRTH CONTROL AND: NOW LEADING THE AMERICAN CHURCH WEALTH!"), you can bet Ms. Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson has something to say. Unfortunately, what she's saying is so furiously full of the spirit of the Lord that it can't be expressed in anything but ALL DISTRACTING CAPITAL LETTERS FOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE BOOK WHICH ALSO COSTS $150.00.
The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China by Professor Philip M. Parker, Ph.D. of Icon Group International
Despite its obvious appeal to a broad consumer audience, the 2009-2014 Outlook's $495.00 price tag suggests that this is a read strictly for serious wood toilet seat prognosticators, professional East Asian toilet seat economic consultants, and billionaire bidet playboys. The rest of us plebes are left to dream of the eldritch secrets of futuristic freakonomics and oriental wisdom, staring in slack-jawed wonder like stray dogs through the fogged glass of the butcher's shop.
Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages by Victor T. Cheney
Advantages: ???Disadvantages: !!!Victor T. Cheney was himself castrated, so if he can't speak to the wild world of genital mutilation, who can? He is also the author of A Brief History of Castration and Serendipity, a book of poetry. Hopefully there's no castration info/poetry collection crossover, because getting your genitals removed shouldn't happen in any way involving random chance.